Government officials at the DWP confirmed yesterday that Atos Healthcare had secured yet another lucrative “Fitness to Work” assessment contract; a program to be administered in a joint effort with local Jobcentre teams across the UK, and one that critics are describing punningly as being “beyond the pale”.
Under the new scheme, necromancers employed by private firm Atos will have access to the personal data of all current Jobseekers, who will be as of April 1st required to disclose to the DWP all details of family members who have died and been buried in the UK within the last five years.
“Necromancy has been underused by previous administrations,” said Iain Duncan Smith when asked for comment, “but when David and George brought my awful career back from the grave, it got me to thinking. All these people out there who have died instead of going to work… I just thought, come on Iain, we can support these people back into jobs. Then I spoke to Jeremy who knows all sorts about science and medicine, and he recommended this necromancy stuff if we couldn’t fix the economy with applied astrology – which, as we found out last year, simply cannot work in the UK for as long as beaurocratic red tape from Brussells keeps the immigrants in, and all chances of innovative economic change firmly out. The idea here is that we’re all in this together, and you don’t simply get to opt out of a society that is tending your grave and feeding your family simply because you fancy a massive lie-in.”
The scheme will entail corpses found to be “fit for work” by Atos necromancers being placed on one-year mandatory work activity placements in exchange for their Jobseekers allowance. Mandy Spud, a local Jobcentre manager based in Rusholme, South Manchester, explains how the placements would work:
“Basically the corpses will have been out of work for a period of time, and will be likely to present as slow, shuffling, caked in clods of earth and stinking of the grave. These presentational barriers to work will automatically trigger our computer software to refer them for mandatory work activity in order that they can re-acquaint themselves with the work environment, and with our support go on to bigger and brighter things.”
However, an alleged leaked memo from the DWP has cast doubt in the minds of some when it comes to the prospects of these corpses once their year of MWA is up. Available for a short while online before being taken down, it is rumoured to contain information that appears to point towards the secretive construction of multiple crematoriums across the country, as well as references to “irreversible corpse-rot”, “sexually transmitted flesh eating bacteria” and a coded list of possible paedophiles serving in Parliament this very day. As part of a speedy coordinated public response, Anti-Zombie-Workfare campaigners are occupying cemetries along the length and breadth of the land today, while a “Thriller”-style flashmob in Leicester Square McDonalds this lunchtime hit newsfeeds and streaming sites accross the globe.
A representative from the Royal Institution of Great Britain has advised that according to science, the entire situation cannot possibly happen, and all that the proposed scheme can possibly achieve is a further massive drain on the public purse:
“How can I put this delicately, they’re talking out of their arses. You can’t bring dead people back to life, and you can’t send them to work in Tesco’s. Please stop churning out this irrersponsible journalism that does nothing but cause unnecessary panic,” he fumed, scientifically.
Whatever your opinion may happen to be, the “Coffin Dodgers” vs. “Coffin Lodgers” debate looks set up to sizzle on for quite some time!